The Childish BPD Adult

One of the most helpful things that we’ve learned about people with BPD is that they have the emotional capacity of a toddler (that is, they’re perpetual 2-year-olds). A BPD feels lost when faced with a decision or when given a choice, which confounds the rest of us because we are under the mistaken impression that we’re dealing with an adult. But we’re not: we’re dealing with a child. And as a child, it’s difficult for her to respond to grownup concerns.

While making a choice represents freedom for most of us, too many choices can be painful for a BPD. When approached as a child (that is, the choice has been made for her), the message reaches her. Unfortunately, BPDs don’t understand that this is what’s happening or why they feel overwhelmed and angry.

As quoted from a BPD: “Talk to me as an adult and I will pretend to be [an adult]. … It amazes me sometimes how well I can play the roles [of an adult] and fool others. … If you talk to the pretend adult, then you will get pretend answers and behavior. But if you talk to the child … then I can respond. This is my secret and for a long time even I didn’t know this secret. It’s hard to be a child in a grown up world. … ” Like the BPD quoted, our BPD has no idea that she even has BPD, let alone that she’s a child pretending to be a grownup. All she knows is that she feels overwhelmed and confused, and so she lashes out at the source of her anger: you. After all, you’re the “big meany” who posed the question in the first place.

So now we don’t wait for our BPD to come up with a solution; we just tell her how it’s going to be. Our BPD reacts to this in typical toddler fashion: (1) she throws a fit, (2) she pouts, and then (3) she accepts. Without fail. And understanding this has made our lives a thousand times easier!