Rather than continue to facilitate the devil's ability to "tell" on him through her attorney to his--which can keep money flushing down the toilet indefinitely--after 5 years and $35,000, my husband finally decided to let his attorney go in 2007.
This meant he would be acting "Pro Se" or "In Pro Per" (or representing himself) in any future divorce-related legal actions. Scary, but do-able.
If you plan to represent yourself in your divorce case, you may benefit from reading about our experiences.
Our Experience
The same Judge has been assigned to my husband's case from day one. I, however, had been present at only one of his multiple court proceedings. So when a friend of ours--who was also acting In Pro Per and who had been assigned to "our" Judge--asked me to accompany him to his Order to Show Cause hearing in fall 2010, I jumped at the opportunity to not only support him, but to observe the Judge so that I could get a sense of her style and expectations. I am SO glad I did!
During my friend's day in court, I observed that our Judge seemed to be no-nonsense and fair, and that she smiled a lot to help put the parties at ease (all good signs). I also noted that she didn't allow much in the way of explanations: she would ask direct questions and expect relatively direct answers (she seemed to have an idea in mind of what the response should be and wasn't very tolerant when the expected answer was not forthcoming).
Most importantly, I saw that even though my friend had gone to Court fully prepared with an organized 3-ring binder containing every sort of document to support each of his contentions, almost none of that information was brought to light. The Judge didn't have time to go in to that level of detail and wouldn't allow my friend to expand on most of his responses, so the majority of his hard work and thoroughness was for naught.
Applying Our Newfound Knowledge
My husband hadn't been to court in nearly 5 years, but not long after my friend's hearing (on 10/26/10 to be exact), his ex served him with a bullshit Order to Show Cause. The hearing was set for 11/23/10 (yes, Thanksgiving week!), but his Responsive Declaration had to be filed by 11/9/10...just 2 WEEKS away!
Knowing what I now knew about our Judge and how the process works in her courtroom, I spent the next 2 weeks immersed in the preparation of my husband's response...and I attached everything to back up each of his arguments! Explanations, rebuttals, transcribed excerpts of the devil's own emails, texts and voice messages. Boy, did I have one serious "documentation-fest"...which I'd been waiting to have for YEARS! (The devil is "off balance" [to put it mildly]. My stepdaughter's therapist advised us years ago to document everything, so we have...and it sure paid off! Read my post entitled "Document, Document, Document!" )
Well guess what? The Judge read it ALL before the hearing, so she was aware of all the bullshit the devil had been pulling over the last 10 months (and then some)...most of which wouldn't have been allowed if we'd tried to bring it up at the hearing. I wasn't sure if the Judge would bother reading it, or if she would get angry about the number of attachments. As it turned out, she did get angry...but not at my husband. She was really pissed off at the devil, though!
My Advice to You
(1) Learn all you can about your Judge's style and expectations before your hearing. Sit in on other hearings in his/her courtroom. Anyone can do this: courtroom presence is not restricted to the parties on the docket. Bring a notepad and pen. Sit quietly in the back and jot down your thoughts and observations for easy recall later on. Oh, and if the baliff asks which case you're there for (they sometimes survey those present to make sure all parties on that session's docket are in the courtroom), just let him know you're there as an observer.
(2) Attach every stitch of relevant information to your Order to Show Cause or Responsive Declaration that you can think of. Don't just throw out accusations: back them up with supporting evidence (emails, texts, voice messages, your documentation of the event when it occurred, etc.). Reference each attachment in the narrative of your declaration, and tab each attachment so it's easy for the Judge to locate within your response. (I bought legal index tabs from Staples [$6.29]; they come in packs of 25, numbered 1 to 25 and 26 to 50, so you should be covered no matter how many attachments you have.)
(3) Take advantage of your Court's legal self-help center. Check online for services offered in your County. Many (or all) of the forms you will need can be completed online and/or downloaded for free from your county's superior court website. Don't forget to find out how many copies you'll need to bring with you when you file your action or response (e.g. our county wants three copies [one for the court, and one for each party]).
(4) If you feel like you're in over your head, consult with an attorney. Some issues are just too big to go it alone!
Good luck!
Showing posts with label General. Show all posts
Showing posts with label General. Show all posts
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Sunday, March 8, 2009
NOT Insuring Your Ex after Divorce
The only possible way to keep your ex on your employer’s group health insurance plan is to file for a legal separation instead of a divorce (see my "Legal Separation or Divorce" post).
Otherwise, regardless of what your ex expects or demands, the good news for you is: YOU CAN’T. Not through your employer’s group plan, anyway. And not even if you wanted to! You can only insure family members through your employer’s group plan, and your ex is no longer a member of your family!
However, if you’ve been covering her up to your divorce date, and your employer has more than 20 employees, you might want to let her know (if you want to) that she’s eligible under COBRA for coverage equal to yours for 36 months after your divorce. She’ll have to pay for it out of her own pocket, of course…but at least she’ll be able to get health insurance if she can’t get it through her own employer.
And don’t go and try to be “Mr. Nice Guy” by keeping her on your health insurance even after your divorce is final, because it could bite you in the butt! A friend of ours did, and ended up having to reimburse his employer for every last penny that they’d spent toward her health insurance from the date his divorce was final! We were lucky: my husband waited a couple of months before dropping his ex, but because their end date was fuzzy (it was left open because it was based on her being seen by a specialist first), his employer let it slide. Same employer as his friend, but different circumstances...so, again, be careful!
Our story…
My husband’s divorce took YEARS, and in all that time the devil was eligible for FREE health insurance through her employer. But she refused it out of spite…she wanted my husband to have to pay for her coverage because it was costing him an additional $5,000 a year! Well, as you can imagine, my husband took great satisfaction in finally being able to drop that bitch from his plan! But to add insult to injury, when he finally DID drop her--2 years after he should’ve been able to--she actuallly had the nerve to be petulant and insulting about it! What a surprise!
Otherwise, regardless of what your ex expects or demands, the good news for you is: YOU CAN’T. Not through your employer’s group plan, anyway. And not even if you wanted to! You can only insure family members through your employer’s group plan, and your ex is no longer a member of your family!
However, if you’ve been covering her up to your divorce date, and your employer has more than 20 employees, you might want to let her know (if you want to) that she’s eligible under COBRA for coverage equal to yours for 36 months after your divorce. She’ll have to pay for it out of her own pocket, of course…but at least she’ll be able to get health insurance if she can’t get it through her own employer.
And don’t go and try to be “Mr. Nice Guy” by keeping her on your health insurance even after your divorce is final, because it could bite you in the butt! A friend of ours did, and ended up having to reimburse his employer for every last penny that they’d spent toward her health insurance from the date his divorce was final! We were lucky: my husband waited a couple of months before dropping his ex, but because their end date was fuzzy (it was left open because it was based on her being seen by a specialist first), his employer let it slide. Same employer as his friend, but different circumstances...so, again, be careful!
Our story…
My husband’s divorce took YEARS, and in all that time the devil was eligible for FREE health insurance through her employer. But she refused it out of spite…she wanted my husband to have to pay for her coverage because it was costing him an additional $5,000 a year! Well, as you can imagine, my husband took great satisfaction in finally being able to drop that bitch from his plan! But to add insult to injury, when he finally DID drop her--2 years after he should’ve been able to--she actuallly had the nerve to be petulant and insulting about it! What a surprise!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Ah, Bifurcation!
WHAT IS A "BIFURCATION"?
When you bifurcate your marriage, you are no longer married...but you're not done with your divorce yet, either.
Under State law, you can "bifurcate" your marital status from all of your other issues (child custody, child visitation, child support, spousal support, distribution of property, attorney fees, and personal conduct) and return to the legal status of an unmarried (single) person. But because your other issues are unresolved, the court retains the ability to resolve them.
WHY BIFURCATE?
There are at least two reasons to bifurcate your marriage:
- Your divorce has been dragging on and on, and you just don't want to be married to that bitch anymore (which was my husband's case).
- It's well past the 6-month mark, and you want to get married again (to someone else, of course...not to your ex!).
CAUTION: The way the law is written (see the blue, bolded text below), even if you bifurcate your marriage, you could still be stuck paying for your ex's health insurance! So if you DO decide to bifurcate, tell your attorney that you want it stipulated that your ex will be responsible for obtaining and maintaining her own damn health insurance, whether through her employer or through COBRA (see my post "NOT Insuring Your Ex After Divorce").
My husband requested a bifurcation from the devil because even though they'd separated in August 2002, he and the devil were STILL married when they were ordered to a Status Conference in January 2005! Do the math...that's 2 years and 3 months after their separation date! His request was granted, and they were bifurcated in April 2005. Yes, I know...that's CRAZY! (Then again, so is the devil: Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, etc., etc., etc.)
Anyway, here's an excerpt from my husband's Order After Status Conference that you can use when talking to your attorney about bifurcation and healthcare insurance:
.....“The parties stipulate and agree that the marital status shall be bifurcated and a judgment for dissolution of the marriage submitted to the court. ... In entering into this stipulation, each party acknowledges that medical insurance is available to him or her through their respective places of employment and upon entry of the judgment of dissolution contemplated herein, each party shall be responsible for obtaining and/or maintaining his or her own medical insurance coverage.”So here's the kicker: after 6-2/3 years, my husband and the devil STILL don’t have a signed Judgment of Dissolution!!! And do you know, it doesn’t really matter because they're bifurcated! All of their other issues were settled at trial 8 months after their bifurcation, so - technically - they're done...but the devil won’t sign the final Judgment! Why? Because it's FAIR!
__________________________________________________
Family Code Section 2330-2348
2337. (a) In a proceeding for dissolution of marriage, the court, upon noticed motion, may sever and grant an early and separate trial on the issue of the dissolution of the status of the marriage apart from other issues.
.....(b) A preliminary declaration of disclosure with a completed schedule of assets and debts shall be served on the nonmoving party with the noticed motion unless it has been served previously, or unless the parties stipulate in writing to defer service of the preliminary declaration of disclosure until a later time.
.....(c) The court may impose upon a party any of the following conditions on granting a severance of the issue of the dissolution of the status of the marriage, and in case of that party's death, an order of any of the following conditions continues to be binding upon that party's estate:
..........(1) The party shall indemnify and hold the other party harmless from any taxes, reassessments, interest, and penalties payable by the other party if the dissolution of the marriage before the division of the parties' community estate results in a taxable event to either of the parties by reason of the ultimate division of their community estate, which taxes would not have been payable if the parties were still married at the time the division was made.
..........(2) Until judgment has been entered on all remaining issues and has become final, the party shall maintain all existing health and medical insurance coverage for the other party and the minor children as named dependents, so long as the party is legally able to do so. At the time the party is no longer legally eligible to maintain the other party as a named dependent under the existing health and medical policies, the party or the party's estate shall, at the party's sole expense, purchase and maintain health and medical insurance coverage that is comparable to the existing health and medical insurance coverage. If comparable insurance coverage is not obtained, the party or the party's estate is responsible for the health and medical expenses incurred by the other party that would have been covered by the insurance coverage, and shall indemnify and hold the other party harmless from any adverse consequences resulting from the lack of insurance.
..........(3) Until judgment has been entered on all remaining issues and has become final, the party shall indemnify and hold the other party harmless from any adverse consequences resulting to the other party if the bifurcation results in a termination of the other party's right to a probate homestead in the residence in which the other party resides at the time the severance is granted.
..........(4) Until judgment has been entered on all remaining issues and has become final, the party shall indemnify and hold the other party harmless from any adverse consequences resulting to the other party if the bifurcation results in the loss of the rights of the other party to a probate family allowance as the surviving spouse of the party.
..........(5) Until judgment has been entered on all remaining issues and has become final, the party shall indemnify and hold the other party harmless from any adverse consequences resulting to the other party if the bifurcation results in the loss of the other party's rights to pension benefits, elections, or survivors' benefits under the party's pension or retirement plan to the extent that the other party would have been entitled to those benefits or elections as the surviving spouse of the party.
..........(6) Prior to entry of judgment terminating status, both of the following shall occur:
...............(A) The party's retirement or pension plan shall be joined as a party to the proceeding for dissolution.
...............(B) If applicable, an order pursuant to Section 2610 shall be entered with reference to the defined benefit or similar plan pending the ultimate resolution of the distribution of benefits under the employee benefit plan.
..........(7) The party shall indemnify and hold the other party harmless from any adverse consequences if the bifurcation results in the loss of rights to social security benefits or elections to the extent the other party would have been entitled to those benefits or elections as the surviving spouse of the party.
..........(8) Any other condition the court determines is just and equitable.
.....(d) A judgment granting a dissolution of the status of the marriage shall expressly reserve jurisdiction for later determination of all other pending issues.
.....(e) If the party dies after the entry of judgment granting a dissolution of marriage, any obligation imposed by this section shall be enforceable against any asset, including the proceeds thereof, against which these obligations would have been enforceable prior to the person's death.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Your Ex Was Awarded the House?
Your ex was awarded the house,* and she agreed to refinance the loan and buy you out of your share of the equity.** This has been verbally agreed to by you, her, and your attorneys, and approved by the judge, as well.
But wait! Has it been STIPULATED in your Order After Hearing?
If not, you’d better get it specifically stipulated in your Judgment…NOW!
What’s the big deal?
If you don’t make sure that your name is removed from HER mortgage, then it’s YOUR mortgage, too!
You’re no longer making the payments, so you don't have the ability to build equity or deduct the interest on your income tax returns, but you will STILL be financially liable for the loan, and will STILL have all of the same financial worries as before (has she been late on a payment…missed a payment…defaulted…paid her property taxes?), only now you won't have the benefit of homeownership because you no longer have a financial stake in the house!
And what happens if you want to buy another house?
- Best-case scenario: you’ll have to hassle with producing a court order to prove that you no longer have any financial liability for the existing loan even though your name is still on it (which may be an exercise in futility because the lender will likely recognize you as a co-borrower regardless. After all, you applied for the existing loan, you signed for the existing loan, and your name is STILL on the existing loan…so as far as the lien holder is concerned: it’s your loan).
- Worst-case scenario: Your loan application is rejected because your income-to-debt ratio is too high (your mortgage isn’t supposed to exceed 31% of your gross income), even though you don't have a financial stake in the house!
So if you don’t take care of this NOW before everything is finalized, you’ll have no chocie but to take care of it later…which will translate in to more $$$...LOTS and LOTS of $$$. Your attorney will most likely ask the judge for the court to hold jurisdiction over the house until your ex refinances it; he will also ask that it be specified exactly how long your ex has to refinance the loan, and what will happen if she doesn’t do it within the specified period of time (e.g., a forced sell if she can’t – or won’t – refinance, regardless of the reason).
The devil had 45 days to refinance the loan, which she (of course) didn’t meet. But because there was no stipulation concerning what would happen if she failed to meet the deadline, there wasn’t much my husband could do other than take her back to court and spend $$$ that he didn't have.
So be sure your court order is worded properly right from the get-go. It should stipulate (1) that she “shall be permitted an opportunity to buy out Respondent’s [or Petitioner’s, as the case may be] interest in the family residence,” (2) that she must refinance the existing loan, (3) that she must “remove Respondent’s name from any loan or mortgage within 45 days from this date,” and (4) specifically what will happen if she fails to refinance the loan for any reason within the stipulated period of time.
My husband’s Order After Hearing failed to stipulate that the devil had to refinance the loan; it only stipulated that she had 45 days in which to "remove his name from the loan." That’s not the same thing. We're just lucky that this didn't become an issue.
And, NO, a Quit Claim Deed won’t suffice! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quitclaim_deed)
*Do NOT let her get away taking you back to court to increase your support obligation just because she can’t afford her mortgage payment: it’s not your fault if she "fails to make a reasonable effort to become self-supporting by undertaking a debt beyond her reasonable means to pay presently or in the foreseeable future." (1)
The devil acknowledged in court that she wouldn't qualify to refinance their marital house on her own because she was unemployed, and that she wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage payments once she became employed, so my husband was awarded the house and agreed to refinance it and pay the devil half of its equity. Two months later, they returned to court and the devil tried to pursuade the judge that she should be given an opportunity to buy the house; it swore that it and her mom would jointly refinance the house, and that its mom would move in and share expenses. This is the ONLY reason my husband agreed to allow the devil and its mom to buy him out of the house. So what happened? The devil refinanced the house on its own, and to this day relies on the entire amount of my husband's child support to make its mortgage payments. Needless to say, we're armed and ready for battle if the devil ever tries to take my husband back to court for increased child support based on its inability to pay its mortgage.
(1) In re the Marriage of JEANNE and ROBERT H. ANINGER, No. B038780, Court of Appeal of California, Second Appellate District, Division Seven, 220 Cal. App. 3d 230; May 11, 1990: “The only factor adversely affecting [Wife’s] ability to meet her needs was an increase … in her housing cost resulting from her purchase of a $280,000 condominium … it would defeat the intent and reasonable expectations of the parties that [Wife] would achieve self-support … by going into debt far beyond her means … By undertaking a debt beyond her reasonable means to pay presently or in the foreseeable future, [Wife] failed to make a reasonable effort to become self-supporting.”
**Do NOT let her stick you with paying any part of her closing costs! The BUYER traditionally pays the closing costs, and you are NOT the buyer…SHE is! The devil tried to force my husband to pay for half of its $6,966 closing costs (or $3,483)! We were dating by then, so he asked me to look over its proposed equity disbursement. If I hadn't looked at this, he would've (unwittingly) paid for its costs because sharing in the devil's closing costs had never been agreed to or even discussed! He protested through his attorney, and the fight was on! I don't know how the devil did it, but it managed to convince the Escrow Officer to set aside the ENTIRE amount of its closing costs (all $6,966!) from my husband’s equity disbursement, which its attorney then held in trust for TWO YEARS (!!!) before they went to trial and the judge deemed that it was rightfully his. He eventually received the money that remained (less what the devil’s attorney had helped herself to, to pay for things like, oh, the ENTIRE cost of their QDRO [vs. half], among other things)!
But wait! Has it been STIPULATED in your Order After Hearing?
If not, you’d better get it specifically stipulated in your Judgment…NOW!
What’s the big deal?
If you don’t make sure that your name is removed from HER mortgage, then it’s YOUR mortgage, too!
You’re no longer making the payments, so you don't have the ability to build equity or deduct the interest on your income tax returns, but you will STILL be financially liable for the loan, and will STILL have all of the same financial worries as before (has she been late on a payment…missed a payment…defaulted…paid her property taxes?), only now you won't have the benefit of homeownership because you no longer have a financial stake in the house!
And what happens if you want to buy another house?
- Best-case scenario: you’ll have to hassle with producing a court order to prove that you no longer have any financial liability for the existing loan even though your name is still on it (which may be an exercise in futility because the lender will likely recognize you as a co-borrower regardless. After all, you applied for the existing loan, you signed for the existing loan, and your name is STILL on the existing loan…so as far as the lien holder is concerned: it’s your loan).
- Worst-case scenario: Your loan application is rejected because your income-to-debt ratio is too high (your mortgage isn’t supposed to exceed 31% of your gross income), even though you don't have a financial stake in the house!
So if you don’t take care of this NOW before everything is finalized, you’ll have no chocie but to take care of it later…which will translate in to more $$$...LOTS and LOTS of $$$. Your attorney will most likely ask the judge for the court to hold jurisdiction over the house until your ex refinances it; he will also ask that it be specified exactly how long your ex has to refinance the loan, and what will happen if she doesn’t do it within the specified period of time (e.g., a forced sell if she can’t – or won’t – refinance, regardless of the reason).
The devil had 45 days to refinance the loan, which she (of course) didn’t meet. But because there was no stipulation concerning what would happen if she failed to meet the deadline, there wasn’t much my husband could do other than take her back to court and spend $$$ that he didn't have.
So be sure your court order is worded properly right from the get-go. It should stipulate (1) that she “shall be permitted an opportunity to buy out Respondent’s [or Petitioner’s, as the case may be] interest in the family residence,” (2) that she must refinance the existing loan, (3) that she must “remove Respondent’s name from any loan or mortgage within 45 days from this date,” and (4) specifically what will happen if she fails to refinance the loan for any reason within the stipulated period of time.
My husband’s Order After Hearing failed to stipulate that the devil had to refinance the loan; it only stipulated that she had 45 days in which to "remove his name from the loan." That’s not the same thing. We're just lucky that this didn't become an issue.
And, NO, a Quit Claim Deed won’t suffice! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quitclaim_deed)
*Do NOT let her get away taking you back to court to increase your support obligation just because she can’t afford her mortgage payment: it’s not your fault if she "fails to make a reasonable effort to become self-supporting by undertaking a debt beyond her reasonable means to pay presently or in the foreseeable future." (1)
The devil acknowledged in court that she wouldn't qualify to refinance their marital house on her own because she was unemployed, and that she wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage payments once she became employed, so my husband was awarded the house and agreed to refinance it and pay the devil half of its equity. Two months later, they returned to court and the devil tried to pursuade the judge that she should be given an opportunity to buy the house; it swore that it and her mom would jointly refinance the house, and that its mom would move in and share expenses. This is the ONLY reason my husband agreed to allow the devil and its mom to buy him out of the house. So what happened? The devil refinanced the house on its own, and to this day relies on the entire amount of my husband's child support to make its mortgage payments. Needless to say, we're armed and ready for battle if the devil ever tries to take my husband back to court for increased child support based on its inability to pay its mortgage.
(1) In re the Marriage of JEANNE and ROBERT H. ANINGER, No. B038780, Court of Appeal of California, Second Appellate District, Division Seven, 220 Cal. App. 3d 230; May 11, 1990: “The only factor adversely affecting [Wife’s] ability to meet her needs was an increase … in her housing cost resulting from her purchase of a $280,000 condominium … it would defeat the intent and reasonable expectations of the parties that [Wife] would achieve self-support … by going into debt far beyond her means … By undertaking a debt beyond her reasonable means to pay presently or in the foreseeable future, [Wife] failed to make a reasonable effort to become self-supporting.”
**Do NOT let her stick you with paying any part of her closing costs! The BUYER traditionally pays the closing costs, and you are NOT the buyer…SHE is! The devil tried to force my husband to pay for half of its $6,966 closing costs (or $3,483)! We were dating by then, so he asked me to look over its proposed equity disbursement. If I hadn't looked at this, he would've (unwittingly) paid for its costs because sharing in the devil's closing costs had never been agreed to or even discussed! He protested through his attorney, and the fight was on! I don't know how the devil did it, but it managed to convince the Escrow Officer to set aside the ENTIRE amount of its closing costs (all $6,966!) from my husband’s equity disbursement, which its attorney then held in trust for TWO YEARS (!!!) before they went to trial and the judge deemed that it was rightfully his. He eventually received the money that remained (less what the devil’s attorney had helped herself to, to pay for things like, oh, the ENTIRE cost of their QDRO [vs. half], among other things)!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Things to Track...and Why
You will always be in a better position to argue your case if you can show facts in support of your position. So here are some suggested tracking mechanisms and schedules to help you successfully resolve your case, prove your claim, and/or reduce conflict between you and your ex and/or your child's co-parent:
Child-related Expenditures. Despite how she makes it sound, she's not the only one who spends money on your children! So protect yourself from support hikes by keeping track of your child-related expenses like child support; work-related childcare; health, life, dental, and/or vision insurance; medical and prescription co-pays; uninsured medical, dental, and vision; extracurricular activities; gifts; entertainment; and vacations. And don't forget basic necessities like food, housing, clothing, furniture, transportation, school lunches and supplies, over-the-counter medicines and supplies, hiarcuts, etc.
Court Order Summations. Keep all of the issues in your Temporary Orders, Orders After Hearings, Judgments, etc., straight by creating a simple table of all of your court-ordered stipulations.
Explanation of Earnings. Create spreadsheets to explain complicated pay stubs, non-recurring overtime, bonuses, W-2 earnings, etc.
Holiday, Birthday and Special Day Schedule. Eliminate confusion by spelling out agreements for holidays, birthdays, and special days, and incorporating them into your annual parenting calendar.
Example: Child’s Birthday.
“Follow the approved Parenting Schedule. Parents will coordinate and accommodate one another to the extent practical when planning [Child's] birthday celebrations.
Parent A: Spends [Child's] actual birthday with her (all day or as [Child's] school schedule and Parent A’s work schedule permit).
Parent B: Celebrates [Child's] birthday on Parent B’s next regularly-scheduled parenting day.”
Income and Expense Reconciliations. Create a spreadsheet that compares your monthly bottom line to hers to compare and contrast your income-to-debt ratios, which is considered when setting support amounts.
Medical Reimbursement Form. For collection of the other parent’s share of your child’s uninsured medical care expenses (co-pays, prescriptions, etc.).
Parenting Plans. Develop a comprehensive plan for each parent to approve and use to help resolve your co-parenting issues.
Parenting Calendar. Eliminate confusion by transferring your parenting schedule onto an easy-to-follow, monthly calendar.
Percentage of Parenting Time. Is your parenting time at issue? Create a spreadsheet to calculate your precise annual percentage of parenting time (and hers, too!) to support your claimed time with your children. Dissomaster is based on your percentage of parenting time!
Reconciliations of Disputed Monetary Issues. Develop spreadsheets to explain disputed monetary issues.
Sequence of Events. Keep a detailed chronology of relevant events, which will help you establish a pattern of behavior to substantiate your claims. Remember to also record all of the "right" things that you're doing.
Table of Events and Documents. Develop an at-a-glance chronology of all of the documents and events relevant to your case. This will help you direct your attorney to the right piece of paper in your file, rather than have her do an expensive search.
Unresolved Issues List. Maintain an outline of all of your outstanding issues, which will help you to remember even the small things.
Contact Me. Let me know if you have questions about any of these (or other) tracking mechanisms, or if you'd like me to email you examples or templates. I'm glad to help! :)
Child-related Expenditures. Despite how she makes it sound, she's not the only one who spends money on your children! So protect yourself from support hikes by keeping track of your child-related expenses like child support; work-related childcare; health, life, dental, and/or vision insurance; medical and prescription co-pays; uninsured medical, dental, and vision; extracurricular activities; gifts; entertainment; and vacations. And don't forget basic necessities like food, housing, clothing, furniture, transportation, school lunches and supplies, over-the-counter medicines and supplies, hiarcuts, etc.
Court Order Summations. Keep all of the issues in your Temporary Orders, Orders After Hearings, Judgments, etc., straight by creating a simple table of all of your court-ordered stipulations.
Explanation of Earnings. Create spreadsheets to explain complicated pay stubs, non-recurring overtime, bonuses, W-2 earnings, etc.
Holiday, Birthday and Special Day Schedule. Eliminate confusion by spelling out agreements for holidays, birthdays, and special days, and incorporating them into your annual parenting calendar.
Example: Child’s Birthday.
“Follow the approved Parenting Schedule. Parents will coordinate and accommodate one another to the extent practical when planning [Child's] birthday celebrations.
Parent A: Spends [Child's] actual birthday with her (all day or as [Child's] school schedule and Parent A’s work schedule permit).
Parent B: Celebrates [Child's] birthday on Parent B’s next regularly-scheduled parenting day.”
Income and Expense Reconciliations. Create a spreadsheet that compares your monthly bottom line to hers to compare and contrast your income-to-debt ratios, which is considered when setting support amounts.
Medical Reimbursement Form. For collection of the other parent’s share of your child’s uninsured medical care expenses (co-pays, prescriptions, etc.).
Parenting Plans. Develop a comprehensive plan for each parent to approve and use to help resolve your co-parenting issues.
Parenting Calendar. Eliminate confusion by transferring your parenting schedule onto an easy-to-follow, monthly calendar.
Percentage of Parenting Time. Is your parenting time at issue? Create a spreadsheet to calculate your precise annual percentage of parenting time (and hers, too!) to support your claimed time with your children. Dissomaster is based on your percentage of parenting time!
Reconciliations of Disputed Monetary Issues. Develop spreadsheets to explain disputed monetary issues.
Sequence of Events. Keep a detailed chronology of relevant events, which will help you establish a pattern of behavior to substantiate your claims. Remember to also record all of the "right" things that you're doing.
Table of Events and Documents. Develop an at-a-glance chronology of all of the documents and events relevant to your case. This will help you direct your attorney to the right piece of paper in your file, rather than have her do an expensive search.
Unresolved Issues List. Maintain an outline of all of your outstanding issues, which will help you to remember even the small things.
Contact Me. Let me know if you have questions about any of these (or other) tracking mechanisms, or if you'd like me to email you examples or templates. I'm glad to help! :)
How Can I Help?
Has it occurred to you yet that you “don’t know what you don’t know”?
What I mean is: have you figured out that you don't even know what questions you should be asking because you don't even know that they need to be asked in the first place?
We were there, too...and it hit us like a ton of bricks!
True story: My husband was 2+ years in to his nasty-ass divorce when our landlords said to either buy the house we were renting or move. He asked his attorney if buying a house would affect his case, and she ignored him. Sure enough, after we'd bought the house we were told that homeownership would cause his support payments to go up!!! (I'll explain this in a separate post.)
But the process was always the same: we'd ask my husband's attorney a question, and we were either ignored or treated like idiots because we'd asked such a basic question. (Ah, there's nothing like a condescending response to a legitimate question!) But there's no such thing as a "basic question" when you don't know the rules of the game to begin with!
And so we learned the hard way that attorneys keep you in the dark by holding back information. Think about it: they're paid for their knowledge, so they're stingy with it. They have zero incentive to educate you...you're just expected to go along with whatever they tell you to do. Besides, we were charged up the wazoo every time we asked a question that was actually deemed intelligent enough to answer (although most weren't answered), so we weren't exactly inspired to ask as many questions as we should have.
About Me…
I stayed out of all of this for the entire first year that we were together. But by the beginning of our second year, it was clear that I would have to step in. I became an expert at researching divorce- and child custody-related issues out pure of necessity: if I hadn't, my husband would've gotten totally screwed!
As attorneys go, my husband had a very good one. And with her knowledge and tenacity, combined with my research and documentation*, my husband** walked out of that court room feeling good about the outcome, as he'd been able to accomplish all that he'd set out to from the very beginning: a fair parenting schedule, a reasonably fair support order, and an equitable division of assets and debts.
*I spent 2 pre-trial days in court at my husband's attorney's request as a resource for her and my husband, and to testify at trial concerning how I'd calculated our percentage of parenting time figures.
**He actually WAS my husband at this point: we were able to get married 3-1/2 years in to this f-ed up process (which was 3 years after we'd met) because he'd finally demanded a bifurcation from the devil after his divorce had dragged on for more than 2-1/2 years. (More on bifurcating in a separate post.)
In going through all of this, I’ve learned two very important things:
1) You are just one of dozens of your attorney’s clients. Your attorney doesn't have the time (and you probably don’t have the money) to “baby sit” your case. Other than adding documents to your ever-growing file, it’s likely—and understandable—that it won’t be accessed often between contacts. So you'd better become the expert on your case!
2) The value of better understanding the issues specific to your case is immeasurable...but thoroughly researching these issues on your own takes a good deal of time and know-how, and even if they were able to do it for you, paying your attorney’s office to do this would be much too costly. I've done a lot of the research already, and have posted my findings here for you. For free!
I started this blog to save you from all the same bullshit.
So don't hesitate to email me your comments, questions, concerns, or requests for information, and I'll send you examples and templates...FREE. Just ask.
What's in it for me, you ask? That's simple: the satisfaction of knowing that I'm helping someone who might not otherwise get that help, and keeping him from being screwed by his ex!
Good luck! I hope to hear from you soon.
What I mean is: have you figured out that you don't even know what questions you should be asking because you don't even know that they need to be asked in the first place?
We were there, too...and it hit us like a ton of bricks!
True story: My husband was 2+ years in to his nasty-ass divorce when our landlords said to either buy the house we were renting or move. He asked his attorney if buying a house would affect his case, and she ignored him. Sure enough, after we'd bought the house we were told that homeownership would cause his support payments to go up!!! (I'll explain this in a separate post.)
But the process was always the same: we'd ask my husband's attorney a question, and we were either ignored or treated like idiots because we'd asked such a basic question. (Ah, there's nothing like a condescending response to a legitimate question!) But there's no such thing as a "basic question" when you don't know the rules of the game to begin with!
And so we learned the hard way that attorneys keep you in the dark by holding back information. Think about it: they're paid for their knowledge, so they're stingy with it. They have zero incentive to educate you...you're just expected to go along with whatever they tell you to do. Besides, we were charged up the wazoo every time we asked a question that was actually deemed intelligent enough to answer (although most weren't answered), so we weren't exactly inspired to ask as many questions as we should have.
About Me…
I stayed out of all of this for the entire first year that we were together. But by the beginning of our second year, it was clear that I would have to step in. I became an expert at researching divorce- and child custody-related issues out pure of necessity: if I hadn't, my husband would've gotten totally screwed!
As attorneys go, my husband had a very good one. And with her knowledge and tenacity, combined with my research and documentation*, my husband** walked out of that court room feeling good about the outcome, as he'd been able to accomplish all that he'd set out to from the very beginning: a fair parenting schedule, a reasonably fair support order, and an equitable division of assets and debts.
*I spent 2 pre-trial days in court at my husband's attorney's request as a resource for her and my husband, and to testify at trial concerning how I'd calculated our percentage of parenting time figures.
**He actually WAS my husband at this point: we were able to get married 3-1/2 years in to this f-ed up process (which was 3 years after we'd met) because he'd finally demanded a bifurcation from the devil after his divorce had dragged on for more than 2-1/2 years. (More on bifurcating in a separate post.)
In going through all of this, I’ve learned two very important things:
1) You are just one of dozens of your attorney’s clients. Your attorney doesn't have the time (and you probably don’t have the money) to “baby sit” your case. Other than adding documents to your ever-growing file, it’s likely—and understandable—that it won’t be accessed often between contacts. So you'd better become the expert on your case!
2) The value of better understanding the issues specific to your case is immeasurable...but thoroughly researching these issues on your own takes a good deal of time and know-how, and even if they were able to do it for you, paying your attorney’s office to do this would be much too costly. I've done a lot of the research already, and have posted my findings here for you. For free!
I started this blog to save you from all the same bullshit.
So don't hesitate to email me your comments, questions, concerns, or requests for information, and I'll send you examples and templates...FREE. Just ask.
What's in it for me, you ask? That's simple: the satisfaction of knowing that I'm helping someone who might not otherwise get that help, and keeping him from being screwed by his ex!
Good luck! I hope to hear from you soon.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Document, Document, Document (or “Sequence of Events”)
To protect myself from the devil's exaggerations, misstatements, accusations and out-and-out lies, as well as to document its abusive behavior and many blatant violations of our court order, we began documenting EVERYTHING, and have since captured the devil's past, present, and continuing transgressions. We call this monster our "Sequence of Events" (or "SOE").
Why keep your own SOE? To establish a pattern of behavior to substantiate your claims or to refute hers. This is an absolute must if you're in a heated custody battle.
You should not only write down the egregious things that she does, but the things that you're doing, too. Your goal is to not only document the crap that you've got to put up with from her, but to capture what you're doing right (taking the kids to soccer practice, accommodating her request for a schedule change, paying your share of work-related childcare, doing homework with the kids, etc.).
And, of course, you should be doing everything "right" right now. Don't give her any ammunition to add to her own sequence of events!
But if you do mess up (call her a name, pick the kids up late, or whatever), document that, too, along with an explanation. Why? Because when she throws that up in your face (and she will), you'll be able to refer to your SOE and say, "Wait a minute, that's not what happened. Here's the way it really went down..." If you don't document the incident, she holds all the cards: she would be able to make a random accusation, and if you don't even remember the incident so you won't be able to defend yourself. Well that won't happen to you because you have an up-to-date SOE!
And if you're good about documenting everything, you can even protect yourself when she makes something up...because if you didn't write it down, then it didn't happen! Right?
Following is a recent email in response to the devil as an example of how we were able to destroy it with FACTS (which we wouldn't have had without our SOE). It was in the throws of a histerical tantrum and demanding reimbursement for expenses that I'd already paid for:
Devil:
If you’re done with the histrionics now, why don’t you take a minute to read through all of this, and you’ll see that everything that I was trying to calmly tell you on the phone tonight was true.
On 9/7, you sent me an email asking for $42.50, which was half the cost of [Child 2’s] little league: “I need a check for [Child 2] to sign him up for Little League. The price is $85 which we can split, if you can please have a check ready for me because the sign ups are September 23 5:30pm to 8:30pm Roundtable Pizza.” (And then you didn’t sign him up on 9/23.)
On 9/10, I paid for a 3-month rental for [Child 1’s] trumpet and bought her sheet music for a total of $73.08, which [Child 1] then called and told you about.
On 9/11, I gave you the following explanation along with a check (#1051) made payable to you for $5.96 in response to your 9/7 email: “[Child 1] was supposed to get an instrument over the weekend, due date is Thursday. [Child 1] said you were planning to take her to a music store. I am not interested in purchasing an instrument or renting a new instrument, I would prefer to split the cost renting a used instrument.”
Little League & Instrument Rental Expenses
Cost 1/2 Cost
[Child 2’s] Little League $85.00 $42.50
[Child 1’s] Trumpet Rental $73.08 $36.54
Each Parent’s Share $79.04
I Paid (for Trumpet) $73.08
Less My Share Owed $79.04
I Owe You $(5.96) (Check Attached)
You’ll Pay (for Little League) $85.00
Less My Reimbursement $(5.96)
Your Share Comes To $79.04
This means that we’ll each spend $79.04 toward the kids’ extracurricular expenses.
And then on 10/21, I left a check (#1032) at daycare made payable to Art Class Vendor for $62.50, the amount of which I paid in full. You didn’t share in any of part of this cost, and the plan was for you to pay the entire $62.50 cost of [Child 2’s] next art session…which, so far, you haven’t done and are now, in fact, trying to get me to pay half of.
On 10/29, you sent me a follow-up email to your 9/7 email, even though, to my knowledge, at least, you still hadn’t registered [Child 2] for Little League: “…[Child 2’s] baseball was $92 for sign ups and not $85.00…”
So, as you can see and as I calmly stated on the phone, I don’t owe you anything for [Child 2’s] Little League or [Child 1’s] trumpet rental, and it’s your turn to pay for [Child 2’s] art classes.
Angel
Why keep your own SOE? To establish a pattern of behavior to substantiate your claims or to refute hers. This is an absolute must if you're in a heated custody battle.
You should not only write down the egregious things that she does, but the things that you're doing, too. Your goal is to not only document the crap that you've got to put up with from her, but to capture what you're doing right (taking the kids to soccer practice, accommodating her request for a schedule change, paying your share of work-related childcare, doing homework with the kids, etc.).
And, of course, you should be doing everything "right" right now. Don't give her any ammunition to add to her own sequence of events!
But if you do mess up (call her a name, pick the kids up late, or whatever), document that, too, along with an explanation. Why? Because when she throws that up in your face (and she will), you'll be able to refer to your SOE and say, "Wait a minute, that's not what happened. Here's the way it really went down..." If you don't document the incident, she holds all the cards: she would be able to make a random accusation, and if you don't even remember the incident so you won't be able to defend yourself. Well that won't happen to you because you have an up-to-date SOE!
And if you're good about documenting everything, you can even protect yourself when she makes something up...because if you didn't write it down, then it didn't happen! Right?
Following is a recent email in response to the devil as an example of how we were able to destroy it with FACTS (which we wouldn't have had without our SOE). It was in the throws of a histerical tantrum and demanding reimbursement for expenses that I'd already paid for:
Devil:
If you’re done with the histrionics now, why don’t you take a minute to read through all of this, and you’ll see that everything that I was trying to calmly tell you on the phone tonight was true.
On 9/7, you sent me an email asking for $42.50, which was half the cost of [Child 2’s] little league: “I need a check for [Child 2] to sign him up for Little League. The price is $85 which we can split, if you can please have a check ready for me because the sign ups are September 23 5:30pm to 8:30pm Roundtable Pizza.” (And then you didn’t sign him up on 9/23.)
On 9/10, I paid for a 3-month rental for [Child 1’s] trumpet and bought her sheet music for a total of $73.08, which [Child 1] then called and told you about.
On 9/11, I gave you the following explanation along with a check (#1051) made payable to you for $5.96 in response to your 9/7 email: “[Child 1] was supposed to get an instrument over the weekend, due date is Thursday. [Child 1] said you were planning to take her to a music store. I am not interested in purchasing an instrument or renting a new instrument, I would prefer to split the cost renting a used instrument.”
Little League & Instrument Rental Expenses
Cost 1/2 Cost
[Child 2’s] Little League $85.00 $42.50
[Child 1’s] Trumpet Rental $73.08 $36.54
Each Parent’s Share $79.04
I Paid (for Trumpet) $73.08
Less My Share Owed $79.04
I Owe You $(5.96) (Check Attached)
You’ll Pay (for Little League) $85.00
Less My Reimbursement $(5.96)
Your Share Comes To $79.04
This means that we’ll each spend $79.04 toward the kids’ extracurricular expenses.
And then on 10/21, I left a check (#1032) at daycare made payable to Art Class Vendor for $62.50, the amount of which I paid in full. You didn’t share in any of part of this cost, and the plan was for you to pay the entire $62.50 cost of [Child 2’s] next art session…which, so far, you haven’t done and are now, in fact, trying to get me to pay half of.
On 10/29, you sent me a follow-up email to your 9/7 email, even though, to my knowledge, at least, you still hadn’t registered [Child 2] for Little League: “…[Child 2’s] baseball was $92 for sign ups and not $85.00…”
So, as you can see and as I calmly stated on the phone, I don’t owe you anything for [Child 2’s] Little League or [Child 1’s] trumpet rental, and it’s your turn to pay for [Child 2’s] art classes.
Angel
Legal Separation or Divorce?
There’s no real advantage to a legal separation if you’re planning to eventually divorce anyway.
The only advantage would be that you could indefinitely cover your estranged spouse through your employer-sponsored health benefits while not being responsible for any debt she might incur during your separation. (IMPORTANT: If you don't drop your ex from your employee-sponsored health benefits as soon as your divorce is finalized, then you risk having to repay your employer for covering your ex from your divorce date until you finally drop her. I've seen this happen several times, too. Ouch!)
So unless you have a need to, or agreement with your soon-to-be-ex, to keep her on your health insurance for more than 6 months, then save yourself some money: skip the legal separation and file for the divorce.
You can always get remarried if you (shudder) change your mind later on.
The only advantage would be that you could indefinitely cover your estranged spouse through your employer-sponsored health benefits while not being responsible for any debt she might incur during your separation. (IMPORTANT: If you don't drop your ex from your employee-sponsored health benefits as soon as your divorce is finalized, then you risk having to repay your employer for covering your ex from your divorce date until you finally drop her. I've seen this happen several times, too. Ouch!)
So unless you have a need to, or agreement with your soon-to-be-ex, to keep her on your health insurance for more than 6 months, then save yourself some money: skip the legal separation and file for the divorce.
You can always get remarried if you (shudder) change your mind later on.
Do I Need a Paralegal or an Attorney?
Upfront costs to retain an attorney will run you about $5K, more or less. And it will go fast!
If you’re both fair-minded people and neither of you has an "ax to grind," then you probably don’t need an attorney. (Then again, you wouldn’t be reading this if you thought she'd be reasonable, right?)
My 2003 divorce cost about $450 TOTAL for a paralegal and court costs despite the fact that we’d been married for 12 years, owned a home, and had a minor child. I didn't ask for spousal support or part of his pension, we split the proceeds from the sale of our house, and we agreed on fair child support. Simply put: he was an alcoholic who wanted the divorce so he could drink whenever he wanted; I wanted the divorce because I...was...done. We didn’t hate each other, we just didn't want to be married anymore.
The flipside of that is my husband's divorce (it's important to note that I didn't know my husband during this time and had nothing to do with the disintegration of his marriage). On November 22, 2002, the devil proposed that he pay her $3,500 a month in family support and give her full physical custody of the children. She refused to work outside the home, and planned to home school the children at least through elementary school (though we later learned that she’d planned to home school them through high school!). She also proposed that she’d continue to live in their marital home, and would split the proceeds with my husband if and when she ever chose to sell the house – although she admitted that she had no intention of ever selling it. But there was no way my husband would’ve given her full custody of their children nor could he have afforded to pay her $3,500 a month! Needless to say, he rejected her "offer."
My husband's divorce cost him (and, ultimately, us) in excess of $35,000. (No, that’s not a typo…I really did intend to type “thirty-five thousand dollars.”) And he still doesn’t have a signed Stipulation of Final Judgment. Simply put: he wanted the divorce to escape her frequent, controlling rages; she didn’t want the divorce because she hadn’t reached the magic 10-year mark yet.
If you’re both fair-minded people and neither of you has an "ax to grind," then you probably don’t need an attorney. (Then again, you wouldn’t be reading this if you thought she'd be reasonable, right?)
My 2003 divorce cost about $450 TOTAL for a paralegal and court costs despite the fact that we’d been married for 12 years, owned a home, and had a minor child. I didn't ask for spousal support or part of his pension, we split the proceeds from the sale of our house, and we agreed on fair child support. Simply put: he was an alcoholic who wanted the divorce so he could drink whenever he wanted; I wanted the divorce because I...was...done. We didn’t hate each other, we just didn't want to be married anymore.
The flipside of that is my husband's divorce (it's important to note that I didn't know my husband during this time and had nothing to do with the disintegration of his marriage). On November 22, 2002, the devil proposed that he pay her $3,500 a month in family support and give her full physical custody of the children. She refused to work outside the home, and planned to home school the children at least through elementary school (though we later learned that she’d planned to home school them through high school!). She also proposed that she’d continue to live in their marital home, and would split the proceeds with my husband if and when she ever chose to sell the house – although she admitted that she had no intention of ever selling it. But there was no way my husband would’ve given her full custody of their children nor could he have afforded to pay her $3,500 a month! Needless to say, he rejected her "offer."
My husband's divorce cost him (and, ultimately, us) in excess of $35,000. (No, that’s not a typo…I really did intend to type “thirty-five thousand dollars.”) And he still doesn’t have a signed Stipulation of Final Judgment. Simply put: he wanted the divorce to escape her frequent, controlling rages; she didn’t want the divorce because she hadn’t reached the magic 10-year mark yet.
It's Her Fault? Strike While She Feels Guilty!
If you’ve decided to get a divorce and she's in any way to blame, take action NOW while she’s still guilt-ridden. DO NOT wait until things settle down. If you do, YOU WILL REGRET IT! That’s not just my opinion, that’s FACT.
I’ve seen it happen time and again: in EVERY instance where the wife was responsible for the divorce (affair, guy in the wings, whatever) and the husband let things slide and hesitated to file for divorce or consult an attorney because “she’d never be that way,” the next thing he knew—BLAMMO! He was blindsided! She’d hired an attorney...and she'd been talking to her friends and, oh yeah, she doesn't want to be fair anymore. Now it's all about making him pay for the "privilege" of having been married to her (i.e., spousal support or “bitch payments”).
This can, for the most part, be avoided by acting quickly while she's still feeling guilty and wants to "make things right." This isn't the time for denial: I'm sorry, but you're about to go to war. Don't give her the upper hand by your inaction.
I’ve seen it happen time and again: in EVERY instance where the wife was responsible for the divorce (affair, guy in the wings, whatever) and the husband let things slide and hesitated to file for divorce or consult an attorney because “she’d never be that way,” the next thing he knew—BLAMMO! He was blindsided! She’d hired an attorney...and she'd been talking to her friends and, oh yeah, she doesn't want to be fair anymore. Now it's all about making him pay for the "privilege" of having been married to her (i.e., spousal support or “bitch payments”).
This can, for the most part, be avoided by acting quickly while she's still feeling guilty and wants to "make things right." This isn't the time for denial: I'm sorry, but you're about to go to war. Don't give her the upper hand by your inaction.
Thinking About Divorce? What You Should Be Doing RIGHT NOW!
· If you’ve been working excessive overtime so that your wife could stay home or your family could live beyond its means: STOP! Support payments are based on your W-2; the court doesn’t differentiate between regular and overtime earnings.
· Start putting money aside if you can: you’re going to need it!
· Stop direct deposit of your payroll check at least a month before you tell your wife that you want a divorce: it can take up to two pay periods to become effective. If you don’t, you’ll risk what happened to my husband: his soon-to-be-ex withdrew ALL of the money from their joint checking account as soon as his deposit hit. (She also stole his next [paper] payroll check, which he’d hidden under the floor mat of his truck. She found it, forged it, and cashed it at their bank’s ATM. So be careful!)
· Safeguard anything that's precious to you that you can't live without (photos, DVDs, CDs, tools, etc.)…NOW! That means start taking those things out of the house: not enough for anyone to notice, but a little here and there. Otherwise, you'll risk never seeing some of this stuff again regardless of who gets what in the divorce. From our 2002 Sequence of Events: “I arrived home from working a double shift only to discover that [the devil] had stripped our home of every family photograph, photo album, portrait and videotape. I’d been warned by others (my attorney included) to safeguard anything of value—sentimental or otherwise—that was in our home; however, even after all the nastiness [the devil] had put me through, I knew she understood how precious our family photos were to me and couldn’t bring myself to believe that she’d commit such a contemptuous act. And yet she did.”
· If she isn’t working, make sure she gets a job! And soon! The devil wasn’t working when she and my husband separated, and he was initially ordered to pay her $2,592 a month family support even though he was only earning $3,600 a month! (Remember: you can’t just work overtime to make up the difference during this time because your permanent support will be based on your total earnings. The more you earn, the more you’ll be ordered to pay, and the more hours you’ll have to work just to get by.)
· Still undecided about whether to divorce? Read the “10-Year Rule” and “Half the Length of the Marriage.” That ought to get you off the fence and help you decide whether you’re either “in” or you’re “out.”
· Start putting money aside if you can: you’re going to need it!
· Stop direct deposit of your payroll check at least a month before you tell your wife that you want a divorce: it can take up to two pay periods to become effective. If you don’t, you’ll risk what happened to my husband: his soon-to-be-ex withdrew ALL of the money from their joint checking account as soon as his deposit hit. (She also stole his next [paper] payroll check, which he’d hidden under the floor mat of his truck. She found it, forged it, and cashed it at their bank’s ATM. So be careful!)
· Safeguard anything that's precious to you that you can't live without (photos, DVDs, CDs, tools, etc.)…NOW! That means start taking those things out of the house: not enough for anyone to notice, but a little here and there. Otherwise, you'll risk never seeing some of this stuff again regardless of who gets what in the divorce. From our 2002 Sequence of Events: “I arrived home from working a double shift only to discover that [the devil] had stripped our home of every family photograph, photo album, portrait and videotape. I’d been warned by others (my attorney included) to safeguard anything of value—sentimental or otherwise—that was in our home; however, even after all the nastiness [the devil] had put me through, I knew she understood how precious our family photos were to me and couldn’t bring myself to believe that she’d commit such a contemptuous act. And yet she did.”
· If she isn’t working, make sure she gets a job! And soon! The devil wasn’t working when she and my husband separated, and he was initially ordered to pay her $2,592 a month family support even though he was only earning $3,600 a month! (Remember: you can’t just work overtime to make up the difference during this time because your permanent support will be based on your total earnings. The more you earn, the more you’ll be ordered to pay, and the more hours you’ll have to work just to get by.)
· Still undecided about whether to divorce? Read the “10-Year Rule” and “Half the Length of the Marriage.” That ought to get you off the fence and help you decide whether you’re either “in” or you’re “out.”
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